“Hey, I just got inspired to make a movie!”
“How did that happen?”
“I went to a Renaissance fair, got drunk off my ass and then vomited it
all up outside while a bunch of lecherous hobos watched!”
“…how would that inspire you to create anything?”
“Well…”
Director: Dominic Sena
Starring: Nicolas Cage, Ron Perlman
(This review co-written with my friend, Michelle Lewis.)
Yes, Season of the Witch. In honor of this month being the four-year
anniversary of this blog, I was contemplating what to do in celebration. To do
so, I had to take into account a couple of things – all sorts of very technical
elements such as, what would yield the funniest jokes? What would be something that
would catch peoples’ eyes?
Then I decided to just be lazy, and throw all of that in the garbage
and review the one movie that has both Nicolas Cage AND Ron Perlman at the same
time – this one. How much balls do you have to have to put those two guys in a
movie together? The universe might as well explode. Oh boy; I just can’t wait
to see what kinds of shenanigans this movie has put together to exploit the (perhaps, sometimes unintentional) comedic talents of these two men. Let’s get started.
We start off with this subtitle informing us that the makers of the
movie went back to 1235 A.D. to the City of Villach to shoot the first scene.
That’s some dedication right there!
Then we get the greatest period of feminism ever – when women got
accused of being witches for basically no reason at all and then got hauled
into the river by an angry mob. We see exactly how fair this is when you have
two normal looking girls pleading for their lives on one end and then this old
crone with a glass eye damning everyone to hell.
 |
| Now, now, she might not be a witch. Don't discriminate! She just looks, acts, talks and probably smells like one, but still. We live in a PC world, goddammit! RIGHTS FOR THE WITCHES! |
Kind of poisoning the well there! I mean, you could make a forty year
old balding male accountant look like a witch just by putting him NEXT to that
lady! It’s like showing a crime scene lineup full of regular guys except for
the one known serial killer who admitted to murdering seven people in cold
blood for no reason. Doesn’t exactly do wonders for the public confidence in
everyone in the vicinity.
But enough of that. We have some fun crusades with Nic Cage and Ron
Perlman to sit through! In case you didn’t know, medieval crusaders in the days
of the black plague often made wisecracks about buying each other drinks after
the battle ended, showing no fear or regard for the terrible casualties about
to ensue. I’d say this is just how guys act, but really it just comes off like
both of them are huge jackasses. Or rather, the writers were being huge
jackasses, because this is about as historically accurate as The
Washingtonians. At least that movie had cannibalistic George Washington
imitators. This movie has, what, shitty special effects and costumes borrowed
from the retirement home production of The Seventh Seal? Please.
 |
| "Hey, do you think this is rock bottom yet?" "Nah, I was in The Last Winter a few years ago." |
So they go through God knows how many battles (quite literally) until
this one time when Cage accidentally stabs an innocent woman. This prompts them
to question their religion and what they’re fighting for, going off on their
super holistic leader guy about how hypocritical it is to kill in God’s name.
Uh, yeah…nice sentiment, guys, but there’s one little problem. Pardon
me if I’m stepping on the toes of the battle-weary when I say this, but, WHERE
THE FUCK WAS THIS WHEN YOU WERE STABBING AND MURDERING HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE IN THE PREVIOUS BATTLES? So what, you can ram your sword
through droves of other guys, but when ONE WOMAN accidentally steps in front of
your sword, THAT’S when you suddenly cry bullshit? I’m sorry, that’s just too
stupid to let pass.
 |
| "Hey, it's okay. I punched a bunch of women in one of my other recent movies! And then I was dressed as a bear for some reason! Ha ha ha...what I'm saying is, don't hold it against me." |
I mean, yeah, I get it – they’re starting to become disillusioned with
the crusades and whatnot. That’s fine. But the way this movie is handling that
very delicate subject matter is just off. We see them fighting battles without
protest throughout over three years’ time, and then suddenly they’re against it
because one innocent person died? Not that they’re wrong to be upset about
that, but it’s just poor writing. Maybe if we had gotten more dialogue and seen
them slowly changing their minds, it would have worked – but I guess a 90
minute movie just has no space for
petty things like character development, right? Pfft, who needs it?
So Perlman and Cage say they’re leaving. The higher-up general guy
threatens to stop them, and I imagine there’s probably some sort of rule in
their military about deserting, but the whole army just sits there and watches
them go, not bothering to follow them, restrain them or anything. Best army
ever? I think it is.
Perlman and Cage go wandering through the world with no clear motive or
destination in mind. They eventually come across a city where the black plague
has taken effect, rendering everyone into extremely expensive Halloween store
makeup. I mean, this stuff must have been at least $30 to buy, and for multiple
people? Totally cleared out the director’s rich girlfriend’s parent’s credit
card. They get exposition from some random guy about the plague and then end up
getting arrested.
So after talking to the world’s oldest haunted house prop...
 |
| That's Christopher Lee, so the "oldest haunted house prop" bit isn't entirely farcicial. |
...and declaring
that they no longer follow the Church, they get thrown in jail for about five
seconds before getting charged with the task of hauling some girl to some other
town where she’ll apparently be tried for the charge of witchcraft in bringing
the plague to the town. Perlman cracks some jokes about how mortified the
priest looked when Cage said he didn’t believe in the church – yeah, scenes
like this really make me so invested in the drama going on. I bet The Seventh
Seal’s dramatic moments would have been way better if the characters were
cracking unfunny jokes throughout all of them, right?
So then they start their journey. They need a guide though, and so they
of course make the most logical choice – some guy who’s been arrested and put
in one of those head-lock things for fraud. Isn’t that what most sensible
people would do? I know I would. It’s just like the time I was searching for a
navigator for my pirate ship and then decided on a blind guy. Best choice I
ever made!
 |
| Yup, nobody else they could have chosen...it had to be this guy. Instead of just spending an extra five minutes asking door-to-door, they had to pick the guy locked up for criminal activity - genius. |
But this isn’t about me. It’s about the stupidly stupid adventures of
Cage, Perlman, two priests with sticks up their asses, generic criminal guy
with no personality and helpless girl in a cage. My what a jolly motley crew
they make! It’s about as fun as going to a funeral.
We get tons of scenes of them just wandering around in the woods.
Sometimes there are attempts made at drama between the characters, but they
fall about as flat as the North Dakota plainslands. Mostly this is because the
writers clearly just didn’t give a shit – every choice they make comes off as goofy,
but you can tell they’re pretty much deadpan serious about all of it. There’s
really no sense of fun or self-awareness with these scenes, both of which might
have helped the film. Nobody likes a silly movie trying to be serious.
The thing is, most of these scenes just have no purpose. Like really –
what relevance does the scene where they meet that altar boy have?
 |
| Look at that face. That is the face all young men have when staring down Ron Perlman. |
Yeah, so they come across this altar boy with a sword who wants to join
their team mostly because the script says so – Lord knows I’d have second
thoughts about forming an alliance with Ron Perlman and Nicolas Cage, but I
guess back in the days of the plague they didn’t have the Internet to know who
these two guys are. We get a drawn out sword fight between Perlman and the kid,
which pretty much just leads up to the kid joining their party anyway. I guess
the swordfight isn’t too bad or anything, but c’mon, why even bother? Don’t
they have a job to do? Why waste time with this?
How about another scene later where they have to push their cart across
a rickety old bridge? Cage girl offers her help and says the whole thing would
be lighter if they let her out – how? It’s a giant wooden piece of shit! You
probably weigh like 90 pounds! They don’t let her out and spend a lot of time
nearly getting killed on the bridge. You may be asking why they don’t even
attempt to find some other way around. Well, the answer to that is simple –
they don’t have time. They do have
time for pointless sword fights, but not for trying to find alternatives to
plunging to a certain death. Priorities: they’re not just for the sane anymore!
So they get across the bridge finally. We get an overly long scene
where the girl escapes from her cage and runs away, only for one of the two
priest guys to get killed off in a cave by accidentally running into the altar
boy’s sword. He doesn’t seem to see the altar boy at all, instead seeing a
woman in front of him instead. Which seems strange enough for Cage to start
wearing an expression on his face that’s supposed to be either contemplative or
constipated. I can’t really tell.
 |
| Let's just compromise and say 'confused.' |
In between all of these scenes we get some of them all sitting around
at night. They talk about how wrong it is to believe that the girl is a witch
and how close-minded the church can be. It’s interesting to hear this kind of
dialogue, and it could potentially have some relevance and make the film more
substantial. However, all of this will become entirely moot by the film’s
ludicrous conclusion. I won’t spoil it yet, but trust me on that.
In the meantime, we get scenes like this, where a bunch of werewolves
tear that criminal guy apart in the woods:
And I don’t mean werewolves like the normal sense; no…I mean literal
werewolves. Wolves that change into, well, more
demonic wolves. Isn’t that kind of weird? Why not just have regular demonic
wolves? Is there a point to them changing their already scary wolf-faces into
even scarier, deader looking wolf-faces? I dunno. I guess I just don’t have the
necessary genius to understand the
clearly brilliant mythology of this world. Is it a straight historical crusades
story? Is it a supernatural tale of witchcraft? Who knows?! Not even the movie,
apparently.
It may seem like I’m just complaining about nothing here. That is
because the movie is incredibly fucking boring. It’s about as interesting as
watching a monkey pick its nose.
So, sigh, I guess they get to wherever they were going, some church or
something. They go in and find a bunch of priests who thought it would be an
awesome idea to get the black plague. Guess you didn’t pray hard enough, guys!
 |
| Well, to be fair, they didn't catch his good side with this picture. |
After some more bullshit exposition, they realize the girl tricked them
into coming because she wanted to go
to the church all along. Why? Well, because for some reason the church is the
only place she has the power to turn into one of the worst special effects
you’ll ever see:
Seriously, look at that shit. That was the best you could do? Movies
from 30 years ago had better effects than that! It’s hideous looking! Using
that kind of CGI is tantamount to just admitting
you have nothing worthwhile to contribute creatively. Did the special effects
guys just think it would be funny to fuck with the movie? I mean, I get it;
Lord knows I’d be bored enough too if I had to sit and watch this crap for that
long just to edit in the effects. But the least they could have done was go all
the way with it. Why not just put this in the movie and really screw with it?
So they have some big, stupid Hollywood style battle and Nic Cage and
Ron Perlman both die. We get a partial ass shot of the now-cured girl and then
a phoned-in monologue about how she and the altar boy will remember Cage and
Perlman forever.
It’s all just so contrived. Why bother having all that bullshit about
doubting the church and the accusations of witchcraft if you were just going to
end with a big goofy monster fight at the end? While they potentially had some
interesting cultural and religious subtext with the talk about how hypocritical
and fear-mongering the church was, ALL OF THAT is ruined when they just throw
in the vomited-up spawn of mid-90s dollar-store computer-game Satan at the end.
How are we supposed to take this seriously at all with that in the film? It’d
be like making a provocative film about the Great Depression only to reveal at
the end that, in the movie’s universe, the Great Depression was caused by
aliens from outer space.
And hey, you know what was entirely missing from this review? Ron
Perlman and Nicolas Cage jokes! What the hell? Shouldn’t a film with both of
them together be absolutely loaded with opportunities to make ridiculous jokes
and riff on their performances? But no, they’re actually not too bad in this. The
one thing that could have saved this movie was totally ridiculous, hammy
performances by these two, and the film is so shitty, it couldn’t even grant me
that one small pleasure. And I think that’s the final straw. This movie sucks!
I for one am glad to be done with this brain sodomy forever. Avoid at all
costs!
Eh, fuck it. Just have a beer and celebrate the four-year anniversary
of Cinema Freaks! I’ll start you off.
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