So I just got done with a long series of plane rides while moving to a
new place to start a new job…and because my life has involved so many airplanes lately, I figured
why not review something airplane themed? A movie that focuses on a plane as
its setting and contains some truly out-there and strange ideas as to what
exactly happens on a plane. Could I review Snakes on a Plane? Maybe Red Eye
with Cillian Murphy? Or perhaps I could tackle the greatest airplane movie
ever, Airplane! The possibilities are ripe and rich.
…nah, I’ll just do Airborne.
Director: Dominic Burns
Starring: Mark Hamill, Craig Conway
For those of you who have never heard of this movie, there are reasons
why. Very distinct reasons why. It’s a half-baked airplane thriller with a plot
that just seems like they made it up on the go. Are you ready to board this
flight to the void of inane plot devices and ludicrous twists? I sure am.
We start off with some monologue by a guy who I can only describe as ‘not
Sam Elliot,’ because yeah…this movie really hurts itself by having an opening
that reminds me more of a guy talking to a bunch of mentally handicapped kids
than an actual stirring introduction to a film. Who does this guy think he is?
 |
| I have no idea who Julian Glover is though. AND BECAUSE OF THAT THIS MOVIE SUCKS! 0/10! |
Wait, what? Mark Hamill is in this? And he’s giving a speech about how
sometimes bad things happen to good people? If it was better done…maybe, but either way the narration is
dull and tired. This is really the same guy who gave us that chilling Joker
voice? I also find it hilarious how he’s giving this whole speech about “bad
things happening to good people” while the movie is showing us scenes of people
being rude at the airport because of changes on their flight. Gee, movie. Why
don’t you show us scenes of rich white girls not getting two iPADs instead of just one for Christmas next?
There are a bunch of different characters introduced, among them this
dude, who starts off his flirtations with a pretty girl by talking about how
his daughter died. Way to be totally depressing and morose, guy!
 |
| Oh I guess he makes more sense later when we find out his daughter died in the Middle East. But still, the character is so underdeveloped that it hardly matters! |
There’s also some mob boss thug guy who basically just throws a fit
over the fact that he can’t fly first class because of some nonsensical reason.
I’m about as intimidated as I was when I saw Macaulay Culkin in the remake of
The Godfather.
 |
| Oh okay...there's a chance I just made this picture myself. I know, it looks so real. |
On the plane, we get introduced to Italian Meat Loaf, who talks about all kinds of banal crap you wouldn’t want to
hear from a guy next to you on a plane. I will give the movie credit for realistically
simulating an annoying in-flight experience, as it really does capture the
essence of that level of irritation.
 |
| Italian Meat Loaf action figure now comes with extra mullet power AND extra annoyance! |
What I will NOT give the movie credit for
is half-assed sex scene attempting to turn the movie into a porno for a minute
or two:
 |
| I shouldn't be so mean. The director was probably conceived in an airplane bathroom, so maybe this is more true-life than I give it credit. Maybe it isn't all THAT far fetched... |
Seriously, guys, are you even trying? This is about as erotic as
watching a bunch of hairy old men playing crochet. Maybe if this was a better
movie, and focused on these two characters more, it MIGHT work, but when it’s
just a cheap excuse to show T&A? It just feels weak as hell. And, what, it’s
followed up with more airplane bickering? Yeah, movie…real sexy there. I don’t
even think people who watch these movies for the porn would find this very
enjoyable. Even the lowest common denominator of T&A-loving cretins would
think this is weak.
Then everybody notices that Mr. Turner, that Meat Loaf guy, went
missing somehow on the plane. We get some semi-suspenseful moments as the
passengers all look around the plane and the flight crew, especially this one
lady and this Middle Eastern looking guy, act kind of shady. These are probably
the best moments in the film, and for a while I thought this thing wasn’t gonna
be too bad after all. Unfortunately the rest of the movie is here to prove THAT
hypothesis wrong…
 |
| I'm just so full of suspense about whether or not we'll make it to 2013. |
We switch to retarded Mulder and Scully here talking about how the
world is going to end in 2012. Oh no, is the world going to end in 2012? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh….
Oh, wait, no.
So yeah, these two geniuses put a strange illegal cargo box on the
plane our main characters are on. Why? Well, if you want the answer to that,
just give up on that hope and dream right now. Because you’re not gonna get an
answer. At all.
On the plane, this one guy goes crazy because of Mr. Turner’s absence.
It’s confusing because that character really only had the one scene – hell, I
had trouble remembering who he was. He was on screen for like two minutes at
best; maybe not even that. I give the movie credit for making it pretty
seamless when a character disappears, but at the same time, so few of these
characters really have much of an impact to begin with. Who really gives a crap
if the couple having sex in the airplane bathroom disappears? They’re next, by
the way.
Anyway, I digress; that one guy goes crazy and so they punch his lights
out and tie him to a seat. For some reason he isn’t that concerned about it. I
could make a bondage joke here, but that would be tasteless. After that, we get that guy’s life story as he tells the nicest
stewardess in the universe how his fiancée left him and now he’s just going to
go drink for a while. Can you believe he actually says the line “I have a new
lover. His name is Jack Daniels”? Isn’t that just the most asinine and clichéd line
ever uttered in a movie, anywhere, this side of Batman and Robin? Yes, yes it
is. Moving on.
 |
| "I have now become a walking cliche." |
On the ground, we see that no time has been wasted with rational
thought and tough planning. Instead they’re just gonna bomb the plane right out
of the sky. That’s right: the only two options they have are:
1) Let the plane continue on, with possible terrorists on it,
Or,
2) Bomb it out of the sky no matter where it is.
I never knew the British military was so gung-ho! There has to be a
Doctor Who episode to explain this phenomenon!
On the plane we see the passengers recite all the usual garbage we get
in these movies, which boils down to this:
“You can’t trust him!”
“No, you can’t trust him!”
Yawn. Can we move on to a haphazardly explained, poorly thought out and
illogical reason for the people to have disappeared?
That’s right, apparently the military guy goes down to the bottom of
the plane and finds a bunch of dead bodies stored in the cargo hold or
something. Then we get some stupid flashbacks with the killers – the white
airplane stewardess lady and one of the rich guy’s thugs – violently murdering
everyone who even turned a corner and saw them talking in private! Oh no! They…have
stuff they don’t want other people to hear? I don’t quite get it, movie.
Killing them all IS kind of an extreme conclusion to reach…
 |
| Haha, what the hell is this? Friday the 13th or some shit? I get that she's a thief, but does that automatically make her a psycho murderer too? Why are these kills so bloody and gory? By all reason they should be sloppy and wracked with guilt. |
Oh, and for some reason, they’re in love now. Yeah. Because that adds
SO MUCH to the story, right?
 |
| I really think they just had a bunch of ideas for short films and just mashed them all up together in this one - I mean c'mon, the airplane heist, the savage slasher kills, the supernatural crap that's about to happen, AND this hackneyed romance? |
The whole reason they’re doing this is because they wanted to steal
that vase in the cargo hold, which some old guy on the plane knows all about.
Doesn’t this seem like kind of an
elaborate scheme for a robbery? Why not just wait till the plane was on the
ground, and nab it then? Or hire somebody to impersonate a worker and grab it
before the plane leaves? How did they know it would specifically be on THAT
plane, and not on one with people more capable of handling a situation like
this, or who are just plain smarter?
I guess the proper answer to all of these questions is that the writer was
probably smoking too much weed while writing the script. Probably right out of that vase they seem to like so much.
 |
| We never see the vase, but I bet this is what it looks like. |
I love how they just kidnap everyone else on the plane in the end and
tie them all up. Why bother? You killed half the rest of the people on the
goddamn plane. Was it really worth it to kill all of those people to keep your
secrets when, apparently, the plan was to kidnap them anyway and tie them up?
What other conclusion did you see happening, you numbskulls? That they would
joyfully go along with being hijacked and help out for free?
 |
| Can't they just snap those thin ropes anyway? How tight can they be? |
So that’s enough stupid for one movie, right? Nope! After that we see
that the vase is actually magical this whole time, and starts making everyone
all zombie-like until they kill themselves or someone else. Apparently the
pilots have been dead this whole time, too, and the plane was just on “autopilot”…sure.
The next fifteen minutes isn’t horrible I guess, unless you actually think
about it. Then it just seems hilariously inept that it was shoved into the last
quarter of the movie without any real build up.
After one guy heroically dive-bombs the plane into the water, “killing”
the evil possessing vase thing, the big bad secret government group arrests
everyone in the control room because of what they saw. And then we get another monologue
about how bad things happen to good people. And then Mark Hamill shows his true
nature…
 |
| "I'll get you next time, Batman!" |
Aghhhhh! He’s become the Joker again! Run for your lives!
Eh, this movie was just ridiculous, really. The plot was about as
coherent as the drunken memories of your first college party, the characters
were mostly bland and the whole thing had a giant helping of stupid layered
over top. And, you know? I really don’t think it’s all bad. Yeah, it’s got its
problems. I can’t deny that a lot of it is very poorly done. But the thing with
these kinds of low budget movies is that they probably didn’t have the greatest resources at their disposal when it came
to writing and what not. But they tried
anyway. They had ideas and they tried their damndest to make this an effective thriller. And that is worth more than a thousand Evil Dead remakes or new
Star Trek films to me. It’s the beauty of filmmaking and hard work and passion.
I had fun making fun of this, yeah, but it’s the kind of DIY, low budget stuff
I watched in my teen years, and a lot of these movies probably had people
working really hard on them. So for that I can’t fault Airborne, and it
probably balances out the crap the movie has in it too.
But the real lesson we
learned from this movie is, don’t go on airplanes. You might get kidnapped and
then have an ancient mystical god make you kill yourself. Some people don’t get
any luck.
Images copyright of evil supernatural airplane vases.
No comments:
Post a Comment