Director: Darryl Roodt
Starring: Casper Van Diem, Erika Eleniak
Hmm, I just found the above tape recording on this abandoned spaceship I
conveniently started wandering around in. And here’s the DVD! “Dracula 3000”…sounds
absolutely horrendous in every way possible! I think I’ll review it. Hell, I’ve
had worse reasons to review things.
We start off with about three minutes of credits. I know I haven’t told
you anything else about the rest of the movie yet, but seriously, once you read
the rest of the review, it will make sense why this is so ridiculous. I’m
really not sure it’s a good idea to advertise who made this movie, guys. It’s
really not going to do their resumes very much good. Do you really want the people
who very charitably donated their time to making this to be homeless on the
streets?
Well, either way, the opening of the movie dispels all pretensions of
this being good, as it starts out with a ship about to self-destruct. The movie
even knows it’s not going to have
anything worthwhile – so it’s just skipping all the bullshit and starting right
out with a self-destructing ship with its sole member, some old guy who will
serve as our exposition machine throughout the film, dying off. That’s a point
in the movie’s favor actually. If they just rolled the credits now, this would
be by far the best Dracula movie I’ve ever reviewed on this site. Which isn’t
saying a lot, but shut up.
Then we skip to 50 years later, because that’s not pointless, is it?
Oh, you mean it is? You mean it doesn’t matter what time any of this takes
place because it’s all arbitrary made up nonsense? Huh, well I guess I was
wrong when I rhetorically asked myself that question. We get this guy named Van
Helsing with a wimpy voice talking about his crew and how stupid and
incompetent they all are. I know that sounds like my usual sarcasm, but no, I’m
dead serious. He says the navigator never has any idea where they’re going, the
scientist is only half as smart as he thinks he is, and is still the smartest
person BY FAR on the whole ship, and the hired gun is basically dumb as a rock
with no redeeming value outside of recon missions.
 |
| There has never been a good movie that introduced its characters like this. Never. |
So, yeah, you heard right – apparently these people have absolutely no
idea what they are doing, no clue how to run a ship and are just kind of
aimlessly drifting through space, like useless space debris. Except I think
space debris is actually more intelligent than these idiots. Who even gave them
this ship? They basically just admit in the first five minutes of the movie
that they’re completely incompetent in every way possible! You’d have to be
high to think these people deserve to pilot a goddamn space ship! They should
be back on whatever planet they came from serving fast food. Or, hey, here’s a
thought – maybe they’re so worthless that the space federation just wanted to
get rid of them as fast as possible. That makes more sense.
So, being geniuses and all, they naturally send over the weakest,
smallest female they have to check out this abandoned ship they find, because
finding an abandoned ship is literally the oldest sci fi cliché in the world. She’s
jumpy and gets scared of everything, and is the most likely to get killed or
captured if there is anyone there. Why didn’t they just send someone with more
nerve? I couldn’t tell you.
 |
| It turns out he's faking the choking on the "poisonous" air...but I really wish it was real, just to illustrate how stupid the crew is. Oh well. I still have my imagination. |
They make jokes about how she basically doesn’t get paid anything and her job generally sucks. I just love the logic Captain Van Helsing uses – “you have
complaints and grievances? We don’t care, get your ass on the ship.” Like any
good team, the women on the ship are subject to constant sexual harassment from
the males, with no sign of any stop to it. I’m so glad years and years of
scientific development has made our species so much more tolerant and
intelligent as individuals. Personally I think the future needs an equivalent
of Rosie the Riveter to set things straight here.
Oh and there’s also Coolio as 187, a stoner who apparently does nothing
but get high all the time:
 |
| This one image, even out of context, shows everything wrong with the movie in one frame. |
Does that even look like it belongs in the same movie as the rest of
this shit?! Seriously, did they just spend all the money they had getting
Coolio to sign on for this movie? Great job, guys; you got a mediocre actor and
now you have no cash left for the vampire effects. How do you think getting him
to sign on for this went?
Movie Studio Exec: "Coolio, we can’t find anyone to play the black vampire in our Dracula
in space movie. We tried every other person we can think of, went through
hundreds of auditions, and you are the only appropriate person we can think of
to play a crazy vampire. Will you do it?"
Coolio: "Hmm. Depends. What kind of a script is it? Is it worthy of my artistic
talents? I did write Gangsta’s Paradise, you know."
Movie Studio Exec: "You get to wear fake teeth, mug to the camera and jump around like an
insane asylum inmate on crack, while half-singing some of your dialogue."
Coolio: "…"
Movie Studio Exec: "…there are also racial stereotypes involved. You will be able to assert how much of a gangster you are."
Coolio: "Excuse me. It's gangsta. Not gangster."
Movie Studio Exec: "What?"
Coolio: *disapproving glare*
Movie Studio Exec: "What?"
Coolio: *disapproving glare*
Yeah, that sounds about right.
So basically these characters constantly bicker with one another and
never display any kind of competence. I can’t even tell you how stupid most of
the dialogue in this is. Oh, so the stoner character talks about nothing but
drugs all the time? The big dumb guy only thinks about getting laid? I’m sorry,
but didn’t we have an important space mission going on here? These people are
about as business-minded as the crackheads that live under the bridge. They
make the crew of Aliens look like serious entrepreneurs in an important meeting
to decide the fate of the company. There’s cajolery and good fun, and then
there’s completely slacking off like morons. But what am I to expect from the
ship that’s probably the class clown of the intergalactic space ship community?
So they wander around aimlessly, exchanging dumb dialogue and bickering
with one another over pointless shit, because that’s what every bad screenwriter
falls back on when they have no other character development to put in. They
find the dead captain of the ship, who is now just a perfectly preserved, not
bad-smelling at all skeleton with a cross in his hand. Apparently the future
world in this movie has “outlawed” crucifixes now – huh, I guess the separation
of church and state is taken much more seriously in the future.
 |
| Maybe it's an ancient artifact. WITCHCRAFT! RUN! PRAY TO YOUR GODS! |
But here’s the thing – apparently nobody ever taught these people
religious history, because they all think the crucifix is a big plus sign. One
of the characters even says “maybe he really likes math!” Seriously, movie?
They don’t have any kind of history or cultural relativeness to fall back on in
this future? They haven’t even the faintest clue what a crucifix is? How dumb
are these people? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, though, seeing as we live
in a world now where people barely even know the Bill of Rights or who fought
who in the Revolutionary War.
Suddenly I’m very sad for humanity. A moment of silence then, for our
lost intelligence.
Anyway, Coolio and the muscle of the crew, Humvee, find a bunch of
coffins in the loading area and start to break them open, finding nothing but
sand. Coolio cuts his hand and, surprise, this leads to more uninspired
bickering. Isn’t that just great? Fortunately, Coolio gets bitten by Dracula
after this, when the others leave, and frankly, I think I figured out why he
was chosen for this movie: it was actually a diabolical plot by the record
industry to make him immortal and sell more albums. Unfortunately, they did not
foresee his decline in popularity as the years went on. And so, we just got this
goofy-ass performance:
 |
| Jesus Christ, he's making Peewee Herman look subtle. |
Seriously, he’s out of his mind
in this. It’s like they just told him to imitate Ed from Fright Night and try
to outdo him in over the top wackiness. It’s totally un-subtle. Hmph. I prefer
my Z-grade vampire movies to have Shakespearean level acting. Anything less is
just unacceptable.
 |
| Okay, now he's just off his meds. This is the kind of performance that, if done at childrens' birthday parties, gets people thrown in jail. |
So he runs around, does goofy shit, half-sings a lot of his dialogue
like a crazy person, until Vice Captain Aurora shoots him a bunch of times. The
bullets don’t hurt him, obviously, and then he gets Mina as his first victim.
Aurora runs away, but runs into another guy, Count Orlok, who mostly just looks
like a D&D player who got lost on his way to the bathroom:
 |
| "I am the game master." |
This is really supposed to be our Dracula for the movie? Count Chocula
was scarier. Gary Oldman in Bram Stoker’s Dracula evoked more drama. Even the
prissy vampires in Underworld were cooler, and THAT is saying a lot! This guy
needs to go back to Party City and get better makeup.
Anyway, he bites her and next thing we know, she’s coming in to the
rest of the crew acting like everything is okay. Is she a vampire? Will she
murder the rest of her crewmates? Will Batman get out of this pinch okay? Will
Lassie get Old Man Thompson out of the well in time for supper? Find out all
the answers and more after these messages!
Huh…that was something…and I’m pretty sure most of those questions have
very little to do with the movie. Either way, I'm not answering the last few. Too bad. Anyway, they suspect Aurora of being a
vampire, and so they tie her up to the chair she’s sitting in and make her stay
there as a captive. I’m fairly sure the director just wanted to exercise his
bondage fetish, as if she really was a vampire, she wouldn’t have let them tie
her up…but we’ll go with it, and the movie is almost over anyway.
Coolio comes back and tries to fool Humvee into letting him in, by
giving him the whole “we’re both black and we said we’d stick together” speech.
How has racial equality actually gone BACKWARDS in the future? Well, at least
Humvee won’t actually fall for it…oh,
who am I kidding; would you be even the least bit surprised if I told you he
did fall for it, and in less than a minute, too?
 |
| "Bros for life!!!" |
Sigh…and I was just starting to have some hope in humanity again.
Thanks, Dracula 3000. Thanks a lot. I guess we should just let North Korea and
Syria blow up the world now – honestly if this is the kind of future we’re in
for, it might be the best move.
So Coolio and Humvee fight, and it’s all pretty stupid, but then Van
Helsing comes in and shoots at Coolio some more, wasting all of his bullets.
Even when Coolio gets up after being shot the first time, Van Helsing just
tries again. Are you stupid? Bullets don’t kill him, you Neanderthal! Luckily
Humvee stabs him with a pool cue and kills him. Note also that they didn’t have
enough money to do any ‘turning to dust’ effects…lame.
 |
| You already had sand in previous scenes, guys. You could have at least jump-cutted Coolio out of the scene and put sand there...sure it would have been stupid, but what ISN'T in this movie? C'mon. |
They untie Aurora when she reveals she can’t be a vampire, because she’s
– dun dun dun – A ROBOT, sent to monitor how incompetent they are and get them
in trouble for it like they deserve! Humvee says they should just leave her
tied up, because otherwise she’s just going to get them in trouble. Well what
do you think is going to happen then,
dipshit? Leaving her tied up is just the stupidest idea possible.
Up in the computer room, Van Helsing and the wheelchair-bound scientist
guy research ways to kill vampires. The computer passes through several phrases
like ‘stakes’ and ‘sunlight,’ but for some reason, the characters just ignore
those right now. They do notice that
Van Helsing shares his name with the famous vampire hunter from the 1800s, and
yeah, that IS a pretty big coincidence, huh? Of all the ships that could have
come across a vampire, it has to be the one with a Van Helsing descendent on
it. What a coinky-dink.
And when Van Helsing meets up with Orlok and fights him, Orlok says
that it’s destiny that they’ve met up. Yes, truly this movie is the rightful
sequel to the Dracula storyline – a generic looking white guy in his 30s and
the pimply D&D-playing Dracula fighting in the middle of the rejected Jason
X sets. Such heart-wrenching drama!
 |
| Oh yeah, showdown of the century, man! D&D Dracula versus Lame-O Van Hellsing! Bring it on! Who's got the popcorn? |
Meanwhile, Aurora tries to get Humvee to come help save Van Helsing,
but he doesn’t believe her and thinks she’s just trying to lure him into a
trap. So, he’ll open a door to someone he KNOWS is a vampire, because they were
friends, but when someone he knows isn’t
a vampire tells him to open a door, he gets suspicious? Something about that
doesn’t add up. Even though he said he wouldn’t leave, the next scene shows him
leaving, simply because he’s annoyed by the scientist computer wheelchair man’s
whining. What a great character. What a great movie, right?
To add insult (and comedy) to injury, Orlok kills off Van Helsing, who
was supposed to be our main character, and turns him into a vampire. Van
Helsing gets unceremoniously killed off by Aurora, and Orlok gets his arm
ripped off in a door, and that’s the last we see of either of them. Wow. How
utterly underwhelming. Oh and somewhere in the middle of all this, Orlok goes
and turns Mr. Wheelchair Scientist into a vampire, making the world’s first
handicapped vampire!
 |
| The most worthless vampire in the whole world! The most pointless of all Satan's creations! |
Seriously, what is the point?
He can’t get out of the damn wheelchair even after he turns into a vampire! How
is he going to reach anyone’s neck to bite them? Just rolling him down a ramp
would kill him, frankly. In the movie’s constant quest to outmatch its own
stupidity, Aurora stabs him violently to death and murders him easily. When
Humvee asks how she knew he was a vampire, she says “I didn’t know.” So she’s
just the kind of person who violently stabs people ON THE OFF CHANCE that they
might be a vampire. Very nice. Charming.
The plan they come up with is to steer the ship toward the sun and kill
Orlok that way. We don’t see Orlok again, because this movie is just that
amazing and cares so much about its plot. Humvee and Aurora find out they only
have 12 hours until the ship goes into the sun. Aurora says that she used to be
a Pleasure Bot, and the two go off to have sex off screen.
 |
| Really, at this point they weren't even trying. I mean this ending is just...WOW. It's such an insane cop out! Really I'm convinced this whole thing was just a joke. And that's why I can't take it seriously enough to get mad. Not really. |
And believe it or not…that’s the last we see of them. Not fighting off
Orlok, not doing anything heroic, not even remembering their dead friends…just
going off to have sex without a care in the world. Then we see the ship explode, and that’s the end!
 |
| Dracula 3000 didn't do so well on opening weekend...in fact, it "bombed." In the truest sense of the word...ha ha...okay, my humor is getting as bad as the movie's. I'd better stop. |
Or rather, I can’t even say ‘end,’ because it’s not an end. The movie
just tapers off like they ran out of money and ideas, which, frankly, they
probably did. Dracula 3000 is just about as stupid as it sounds – vampires in
space? Really? It’s barely even worth reviewing at all. The only reason I did
was because I found it on this abandoned spaceship, like I said. I always
review things I just find in creepy abandoned places. It’s not weird at all.
Hey, what’s that? Who are you? Why are you coming closer with that
menacing set of teeth? What are youAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH! NO! DON’T EAT MY HEAD!
AGGGHHHH! IT'S DRACULA FROM THE FUTURE! HE'S FOUND ME! Have mercy on my soul!
Let this review be a warning: avoid Dracula 3000! Avoid it at all
costs! Remember me as a critic of films!
If anyone would actually claim any of these images, I'd go ahead and just agree they were copyrighted to you. I guess they're copyrighted to the owners. But really, I'm guessing this lost more money than it made, so not a lot of incentive there, is there?
If anyone would actually claim any of these images, I'd go ahead and just agree they were copyrighted to you. I guess they're copyrighted to the owners. But really, I'm guessing this lost more money than it made, so not a lot of incentive there, is there?
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